Spiraling into self hatred will certainly help fuel the anger I have towards myself, I have spent hours, sleeplessly considering all of the mistakes that I have made in the many preceding years. Many thousands of dollars lost in losing things, helping others, and having others take from me (crime that could have been prevented.) Perhaps, I try to rationalize to myself, "they" needed it more than I did... Incredibly simplistic and accepting, yet my heart does not hurt from missing material possessions, it is something else. (again my own stupidity, perhaps?)
The "road less traveled" perspective - In taking the road less traveled one seems to be alone more often, isolated, without companions, out of the mainstream perhaps. (As I have doubted myself and my decision making ability) The human ability to be able to play the "What if" game has been both a tragedy and an ability to find error in my ways before I make my way. Errors again.
The ultimate decision, to decide to end one's own life, as a solution, is not to be taken lightly. This, especially because of the many past bad decisions I have made. I have to, again, weigh the options, the consequences, the after effects.
How do I minimize the effects? What would lend me perspective to more clearly choose my own fate? The details of where and how and when would follow.
Classical symptoms of helplessness and hopelessness, CHECK, Anxiety, Depression CHECK, oh, it being the Holiday Season and "I'm just not into it" CHECK. There is a Desire to give away, or at least sell/find a good home for extraneous possessions CHECK and double check. The need or want to say goodbye to people, CHECK, seems like a lot of effort, yet also the chance that someone would try talk me out of this decision making process. I can give a lot away, sell off expensive possessions (money going to those I leave behind), CHECK, as I am presently not working (one of the main catalysts, I believe) and what amount of responsibility I play in that...
Yes, I could find a "job" doing just about anything, a lot of jobs I would probably be a little overqualified for. I also find that there is the fear of under-employment. (Working very hard to be able to barely get by)
As a stream of consciousness, I suppose that this is a rough draft or a working document, published for my self, to be able to revisit and challenge and modify. I have come through these thoughts before, and perhaps with a little more organization and who knows what, I might be able to get through them, as they say, "once and for all."
Realization that the dreams that one has had, (i.e. Happiness in what I do, in work and play, Child(ren), adopted or biological; a positive, creative, strong, and supportive marriage, that does not leave me feeling like a [* see below] fool. Regular activity that involves friends; Oh, and having friends (so many I realize, that are so far away) and perhaps a dog that loves to run with me.) . . . all are somehow unrealized, and that is my fault too. I say, Give the world a little space. Like the orthodontist who recommends certain teeth be removed so as to make room in a very overcrowded place.
Suicide, I have come to understand, is a very selfish act. You take away from those that "love" you and leave a vacuum, a hole, behind. [As I see it, I have been a bit of a hole (need/loss/error/mistakes/emotion) to begin with, and like many types of wounds, they might leave a scar, yet the larger organism will carry on.]
{Perhaps a 'position paper' to be written on the argument for suicide... I guess that is next}
[*Reference to the spewing of invective [ɪnˈvɛktɪv] n. vehement accusation or denunciation, esp of a bitterly abusive or sarcastic kind or adj. characterized by or using abusive language, bitter sarcasm etc.]
[from Late Latin invectīvus reproachful, scolding, form Latin invectus carried in; see inveigh]
Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003
